Written by Rodd Justice
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Queen Mum Meets Uncle Buck
Mmmm....raw buffalo

In Heaven today, the Queen Mother met the loveable fat git John Candy, better known as Uncle Buck. Despite her well-known warmth towards other people, she could not help but comment on his extreme obesity.

"You're incredibly fat," she remarked, before moving onto shake hands with others.

It comes at a time when the Queen Mother struggles to gain popularity in the afterlife, where she's found that the media in Paradise is much more non-plused with her niceness. Jesus said in an interview with Peter Sissons: "To be honest, we're sick of all this 'nice' crap - we've had an eternity of it. We need someone like Anne Robinson!"

The Queen Mother is reportedly trying anything to get the attention of the heavenly media. She has complained, "back on Earth, simply the image of looking friendly was enough. You know, smiling, small talk, wearing hats?all that bollocks. It paid for the g+t's I always used to say, but now I'd be lucky to earn a Bacardi Breezer."

She's even petitioned God to kill Ali G, so that he can interview her in his typical comic style for a television special.

"Fatgate," as the comment's been dubbed upstairs, is an even bigger blow to John Candy, the jolly fat man we grew to love in films such as "Uncle Buck" and "Cool Runnings". He'd got a new body as a reward from God because of his abilities as an Earth-comic. Although within weeks, his taste for raw buffalo meant that he'd wrecked that one too. God was said to be particularly angry, and was considering ordering a punishment beating.

As stories of adjustment problems filter down from Heaven, the government is starting to consider training and counselling for the elderly and high-risk, so that when they die they have the necessary skills for the afterlife. Tony Blair said only last week that his priority was "education, education, education?.more education, then death."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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