Written by Jim West (desperado)
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Delia Smith to become a Saint
I wish people would stop playing hoopla with me

Delia Smith, the celebrity TV millionairess cook, is have sainthood bestowed upon her. Her title will become Saint Delia of Norwich, Patron Saint of Cutlery. This adds to her already overlong list of titles the popular chef has acquired. She has been given an MBE, an OBE, a knighthood, a seat in the house of Lords, a seat in the round table, an Oscar, a Bafta, an Emmy, a Grammy, a Webby, a Golden Globe, a Virgin Island, the Bank of England and part of Kuala Lumpur.

A cardinal at the Vatican told us, "Granted, we're breaking a few rules, what with her not being dead, but we all agree that she deserves sainthood." Smith was nominated by a Vatican cook. "She's worked wonders for us here at the Vat," the cardinal told us. "Before our cook went on the afternoon course (which only set us back £400,000,000), we had no idea how to boil an egg. Saint Delia showed us how a highly complicated method of putting an egg in some water can be easy enough for lowly mortals such as ourselves to complete such a complex procedure."

This move comes after Smith, who is the director of Norwich City Football club, decided to fire all her players to bring in more revenue for the club. "We felt they were a non-essential asset," Delia told us. "Their wages expenditure meant I couldn't afford an hourly foot massage: only every other hour."

"I made sure the board of directors were in full agreement that they were pulling the club back." Norwich now play their games with volunteers from the local Oxfam shop.

St. Lady Sir Delia Smith OBE MBE of Norwich is said to be "exasperated" by the news of her sainthood, as she is currently working on a new project in affiliation with the US Army, where Delia will explain in a seventeen-part TV series how to mercilessly and incomprehensibly boil an Iraqi or Afghanistani alive. The bastards.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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