Written by Wire Piddle
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Friday, 24 July 2009

image for Cash For Clunkers - Bring Us Your Used Celebrities

Los Angeles, CA - Congress is getting ready to vote on a bill that will allow agents in Hollywood to turn in their used celebrities for cash.

"I think after the Michael Jackson debacle, it's time for Hollywood to turn over a new leaf, make a clean breast of things as it were," said one studio producer. "I'm all for turning in these trumped-up coked-up celebrities and by providing a cash incentive, it sort of sweetens the deal."

Remarked one California congressman, "...When you look at the bottom line, you realize that a lot of these celebrities have a negative effect on America. Oh sure. They generate a lot of revenue but if they're not hiding their money from the taxman offshore, they're snorting it up their noses. Meanwhile the taxpayer ends up paying for their memorials when they finally succumb to their demons. It's time we cleaned the slate and found a new bunch of celebrities, ones that aren't at the end of their sell-by date."

Hollywood agents can turn in celebrities on their roster, starting July 27th, by simply calling their local F.B.I. office or by personally escorting them to a local police station. Agents will be given $10,000 US in the form of a stimulus check issued by the federal government.

Bonuses will be paid for the following celebrities:

Zsa Zsa Gabor
Liza Minelli
Joan Rivers
Anyone from The Godfather trilogy
Any of the Baldwin Brothers
Nicholas Cage
Any comedian born in Canada

Before you turn in your celebrity, remember to tag them for identification purposes. The government expects cataloguing and storage problems.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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