Written by Wire Piddle
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009

image for Michael Jackson Fans Ask: 'Why Is Keith Richards Still Alive?'

Los Angeles, CA - As torn, distraught fans of Michael Jackson, 'The King Of Pop', exited the Staples Center following a memorial in his honour, one burning question remained in the back of their minds - 'Why Is Keith Richards Still Alive?'

Why indeed. Whereas Keith Richards, through his life works, made no effort to conceal the fact that he was an apostle of Satan, aka Lucifer, Michael Jackson lived a life worthy of sainthood, donating time and money to countless charities, feeding world hunger, and meeting with politicians and statesmen to promote world peace. So how is it that Keith Richards managed to outlive Michael Jackson, the paragon of virtue?

We decided to go to Keith Richards and ask him.

WP: Mr. Richards, it's been a matter of common knowledge that you've been known to down quarts of Jack Daniels, endlessly smoke cigarette and marijuana, you've shot more heroin than can be produce in Afhganistan in a year, your binges of intoxication have had you falling out of trees, off jet skis, moving limousines etc. and yet it was saintly Michael Jackson that ended up knocking on heaven's door. Please explain, why?

KR: Well, in answer to your question, I think we have to go back to my childhood.

Like Michael, my father used to beat me with a belt, chase me round the block and box me ears until I couldn't hear no more, throw me down the front landing and then roll me under his car and then, in forward and reverse, dig the tire treads into me until I was shredded into a million pieces.

Like Michael, my father would then tie me to a lampost with rubber bands and then sling-shot me over the church steeple. Once affixed to the steeple, he'd call the vicar who immediately would contact the mother superior who, with about a dozen nuns, senselessly beat me on top of head with brooms until I'd fall off onto ground where they'd bury me in shallow grave.

However, I think the major difference between Michael and me, which, I might add, has contributed to my longevity and may be the explanation that you are seeking with regards to your rather formidable question 'Why, Keith Richards, have you outlived Michael Jackson', is that, unlike Michael Jackson,... I bloody well enjoyed it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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