Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 4 July 2009

image for Ron Artest Signs With The World Champion Los Angeles Lakers
The basketball that Ron Artest's grandmother Carpathia Belldelle Augerfield bought him when he was 3 months old.

QUEENS, New York - One of the NBA's premier defenders Ron Artest has just signed a three-year $18 million contract to play for the world champion Los Angeles Lakers.

When Artest's agent Vinnie "The Mouthpiece" Paffalino first told him about the offer, the 6 foot 7 Artest got so excited he started jumping up and down and yelling over and over, "All right I gets to play with Kobe and Pauly."

On the third jump, he jumped up so high he actually hit the kitchen ceiling. Artest is now resting comfortably at The St. Bingo Hospital in Queens and should be released in two to six days.

As Ron was waiting for the EMS people to arrive, he called up his father who is a bouncer in New York City's "Hey Yo, I Gots Your Swizzle Stick Right Here Bar" and told him the great news about him being L.A. bound.

He also called up his uncle Rayon Claudell "The Glockster" Winchcombe who is an inmate at Sing Sing Prison, his cousin Tyrone Vondell "The Boomster" Tuckler who is a convict at Leavenworth Prison, and his maternal grandmother Carpathia Belldelle Augerfield who is a prisoner at Indiana Women's Prison.

Artest said that it kind of seems like his relatives are bad folks but he quickly points out that all of them are actually innocent with the exception of his grandma Augerfield.

The new Laker grins and says that granny A. has admitted her role in the 2007 robbery of The First Grand Canyon National Bank in Flagstaff, Arizona.

A search into The Flagstaff Confirmer Voice newspaper archives did in fact confirm Carpathia Belldelle Augerfield's role in the September 13, 2007 bank robbery.

According to the article, Mrs. Augerfield, 87, actually drove the getaway car. The report went on to say that the gang of three, nicknamed "The Geriatric Gang of Grandma's" consisted of 91-year-old Corsicana Greatwood and LaQuanda Seersucker, 101.

The article stated that the three old gals were caught by Flagstaff police officers Virgil Bib and Morgan Maraschino when the 'old bank robbers' pulled into a McDonald's drive-thru window to get three of the 'any size soft drink for one dollar' special promotion.

Artest wanted it known that two of his cousins did graduate from college. Rashida Cedar graduated Summa Cum La-Di-Da from Solid State University with a degree in hip hop singing and Gazebo Wintergreen graduated Magna Cum Ipso Facto from The Amos and Andy Academy of Tap Dancing.

When Kobe Bryant was asked what he thought about Ron Artest coming over to the Lakers he smiled and said, "I am one happy SOB and so are coach Phil (Jackson) and Paul (Gasol). This past season we went 65-17 in the regular season. Next year, I predict that we'll go 80-2."

Kobe smiled and then stated "And as far as fights during games go, with Ron on our side, I know we'll win all of those.

In other news. The ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean has just been hired as a Wal-Mart greeter in Redondo Beach, California.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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