Written by Jalapenoman
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Saturday, 27 June 2009

image for Hollywood Signs Actor to Play Michael Jackson in Rushed Biopic
This guy's nose is to big and his skin is to dark to play Michael.

Warner Brothers, in competition with Fox, Paramount, MGM, and Disney, looks to be the first out of the gate with a planned biopic of the recently deceased singer Michael Jackson. The planned movie will begin filming Monday, will have a five day filming schedule, and should be in theatres in four weeks.

To play the title character, the studio has decided to use multiple actors. Said director Mitchell Stewsbury, "Michael obviously changed over the years, so we had to hire different people to play the role. An adult cannot play the part of a ten year old black boy, a dancing teenage heartthrob, and then an older white woman. We've hired an additional performer to recreate his dancing moves."

To play the part of the younger Jackson, the studio has signed Gary Coleman. "He's short, black, an experienced actor, comes pretty cheap, and wasn't working on anything right now."

The teenaged dancing Jackson will be played by American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. "They are both sexually confused, make the girls squeal, scream out their songs, and think they can sing and dance."

The older, more mature Jackson will be played by Phyllis Diller. "Can you think of another pasty faced white woman that could play the part?"

Diller's stand in for the more physical scenes (she is 91) will be Ronald McDonald ("but we'll have to straighten out and dye his hair").

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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