Written by Hydrogen Balloon
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Friday, 26 June 2009

image for Bizarre Findings In Michael Jackson Autopsy
God's Wrath

Los Angeles CA-- Autopsy results for the late Michael Jackson were conducted early today by the FBI and Los Angeles Police Department. Special Agent Dana Scully-Mulder conducted the autopsy because of some "unusual" marks on the singer's heart. The very upsetting and surreal results of the autopsy shocked even the most hardened and cynical of the police investigators.

Special Agent Scully-Mulder spoke directly to TheSpoof.com about her findings and the supernatural nature of the death.

"The facts speak for themselves, everyone needs to come to their own conclusions." said the agent. "I am a practicing Roman Catholic and I will go to Mass after this interview." she stated. Agent Scully-Mulder absentmindedly fingered the tiny gold cross she always wears around her neck and continued.

"The physical condition of the decedent was deplorable. Mr. Jackson had the body of an early-adolescent. He only weighted 120 pounds in mortis. Sexual development was retarded in the extreme. He was incapable of having erections or intercourse." she stated.

"The most shocking finding of the autopsy was also what brought me to this case. The condition of the heart was extraordinary in the extreme. It looked like someone reached inside Mr. Jackson's chest and squeezed his heart until it stopped. There were no bruise marks on the chest, I can't say how this happened."

Agent Scully took a deep breath and said a silent prayer to herself before revealing the most shocking finding of all.

"We were able to lift fingerprints off the heart." she said softly. "We got a match on the prints. They match the fingerprints lifted off the Shroud of Turin last year."

"God killed him." she stated in a flat voice. The agent then ended the interview and went into a nearby church to pray.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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