Written by Wire Piddle
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Topics: David Letterman

Thursday, 18 June 2009

image for David Letterman Suffering From Terminal Adolescence - Rushed To Hospital
Letterman - Laughing Gnome

New York, NY - Talk show host, David Letterman, was rushed to Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York city this morning after he began having seizures and blackouts. Preliminary reports suggest he may be enduring a case of 'Terminal Adolescence'.

Dr. Maury Feldstein, a psychiatrist, described Mr. Letterman's condition thusly. "We start by assessing the patient's behavior. Does the patient tell jokes that only a teenager could appreciate? Does he like to tap his pencil alot? Is he only comfortable around fawning people half his age? Does he always have to have a friend close by who he can bounce ideas off of; someone that laughs at everything he says irregardless of it's worth or merit as a piece of comedy? If these things are a constant in the patient's life then we have to conclude that he or she may be a victim of 'Terminal Adolescence'."

"If you look at his professional life, Mr. Letterman has to tailor his psyche to people under the ages of 23. Now Mr. Letterman, he is over sixty years old. He's been sublimating his own personality for...what...forty years now. While his peers are enjoying their empty nest, preparing for retirement, he's still psychologically pulling all-nighters in college."

Dr. Feldstein continued, "...and that joke about Sarah Palin's daughter, that was the crucible. He couldn't handle the fallout from that. His well-defined adolescent self was thrust violently against poorly-defined adult self and he had, for lack of a better term, a nuclear sized meltdown. You see the same thing happening to these Wall Street businessmen these days with their pneumatically enhanced wives and their gold-plated Rolexes. It's a cultural thing."

He concluded,"...And for the sake of what I ask? Advertising dollars? It's outrageous. I'm just surprised Mr. Letterman didn't crack up earlier than this."

When reached him by telephone in his ward room, Mr. Letterman responded briefly, "...ah...ha...ha...eee...hee...hee...I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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