Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Monday, 8 June 2009

image for "Grasshopper" dies trying to make "Muskrat Love"
"I just know I can safely do the position this time. My Martial Arts training has prepared me. Oh no. Not again."

Bangkok, Thailand

Thai coroners have ruled the cause of death of the former "Kung Fu" TV master, David Carradine, as death by assisted suicide, which seems to contradict earlier reports that the 1970s actor died by autoerotic asphyxiation.

"We know that sounds impossible," said Thai officials, still tight lipped about the case under investigation. "But it appears the late Mr. Carradine suffered from a preexisting medical condition, which may have contributed to his untimely death."

"He suffered from phantom hand syndrome," said a spokesman for the Carradine family. "Which he was okay with, because he liked to spend time alone with himself."

The spokesman went on to say that David Carradine had suffered from phantom hand syndrome since he was a boy, suggesting he was never fully the master of his domain.

"He would come home from school and run straight to his room on the second floor," said old Mrs. Grison, the next-door neighbor of the Carradine family, when David was growing up as a boy. "That boy would spend days and nights up there all by himself. And come Christmas, Easter or summer vacation, you wouldn't even know there was a boy living next door. While kids in the neighborhood would be outside playing, little David was up in his room playing with himself. Yup, you could set your watch to that boy. Of course, nobody would admit to what he was doing up there all by his lonesome, but we all knew. You see he was spanking the monkey. Choking the chicken. Draining the vain. You know...masturbating."

Surprisingly, Mrs. Grison says the Carradine family tried covering up little David's excessive masturbation problem by blaming it on phantom hand syndrome.

"There was nothing wrong with that boy's hand," insisted Mrs. Grison. "Except that he liked to use it too much...if you know what I mean."

Mrs. Grison says that the Carradine family tried everything to get the boy to stop playing with himself, but he just would not stop.

"I remember one day hearing shouting coming from the Carradine house," said Mrs. Grison.

According to Mrs. Grison, the Carradine family was in the midst of conducting an intervention with little David, tying up his "phantom hand" to his side so he could not use it, fearing the boy would go blind if they did nothing.

"They struggled all night long with that boy," said Mrs. Grison. "I can still hear that boy yelling at his parents as he stomped his way up the stairs to his room, threatening to hold his breath until they untied his hand."

However, the intervention must have worked, because the very next day Mrs. Grison says little David was outside playing with the neighborhood kids.

"I never thought I live to see the day," said Mrs. Grison. "Little David outside playing with the neighborhood kids. It was if he never had an excessive masturbation problem to begin with. He even invented a new game he called: 'Who Can Hold Their Breath the Longest?' Little David was very good at that one. I can still see his little face smiling as he always was the last one left standing up, still erect, while all the other kids fell down, passed out on the lawn."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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