Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 22 April 2009

image for Susan Boyle Quits Singing Career After She Finds 'Church Job'
Susan, will you ... sit on my face?

New Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, who stunned viewers and judges alike when she performed the beautiful I Dreamed A Dream on Britain's Got Talent recently, has said she is to give up her fledgling crooning career, after she was offered a job working in her local church.

Susan, 47, but looking much older, confessed on TV that she had never been kissed, and that she was an unemployed church worker. Quite what she did when she had a 'church job' isn't clear, but we won't talk about that.

The parish priest, sex-starved Father Jimmy Mack, of Susan's local church, St Jock's, saw her heart-rending display whilst he was at home last week, and decided to put an end to the spinster's woes. He went round to her house to 'see her', and offered her a 'position'.

It's not clear what the position is, but it must have been a desirable one, for, according to Susan:

"I immediately accepted, and flung my arrems around the priest! Oooh, he's ever such a looker! I'm done buggering about with all that bloody singing."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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