Written by Mr. Staypuf
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Tuesday, 14 April 2009

image for Lil' Kims' Big-Uns Dazzle "Dancing With The Stars" Judges
It must be WARM outside!

Lil' Kim let it all hang out during this week's dance competition, much to the delight of Dancing with the Stars Judge Bruno "Stiffy" Tonioli. But, unlike Janet Jackson's oozing nightmare at the Superbowl, Lil' Kim insisted it wasn't a "wardrobe malfunction" at all when the petite little rapper's set of over-ripe honeydews came bouncing out during a jive routine.

"That was no accident, we did that on purpose. Derek and I practiced all week long to choreograph those puppies flopping out like that, thank you very much. After all, this IS Dancing With the Stars...and THESE are the stars, don't you agree?"

Bruno apparently agreed whole-heartedly, jumping up to applaud and almost putting out Carrie Ann's eye in the process. "Hey, tie a red warning flag on that thing, you bastard!" screamed Carrie, covering her eye like an angry pirate.

Lil' Kim admits it happens all the time. "My funbags have a mind of their own. Sure, it's a split personality, but the girls just need some air every now and then," she said just before bending over to reveal their close friends and constant companions Muffy and Duffy. "Oh, my...did I do that?" she feigned surprise placing her hand demurely to her mouth. The added ass-flourish certainly racked up the points, but unfortunately, proved too much for judge Len Goodman, who was discovered slumped over in his chair passed out. He recovered once they bled off some of the excess crotch pressure.

Carrie Ann was less impressed than the other two judges, criticizing the routine as one of mixed styles. "Here you were dancing jive, but your magumbos were doing swing. Sloppy. Just plain sloppy. Plus, Derek's boner came in a few beats after your sweater cows started their routine. I've never seen worst timing!" Lil' Kim listened attentively, nodding and taking in the constructive criticism before replying, "Suck on 'em, bitch."

The flopper flap was edited out of the show on the west coast, but will be made available on the DVD set, "Dancing With The Stars: After Dark." The box set features bloopers and backstage antics of past contestants, including Cloris Leachman's infamous wardrobe malfunction. "It was like a grapefruit in tube sock," Carrie Ann described the hilarious incident. "And truth be told, a monkey on a bungie cord would have had more rhythm."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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