Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Medical, Los Angeles

Thursday, 24 June 2004

image for Richard Simmons in Critical Condition after Bejeweling Accident
Simmons may soon be headed for the giant Bejeweler in the sky

Los Angeles, CA - Word has come in early this morning that actor and all-around sparkle king Richard Simmons was in critical condition at the UCLA Medical Center after a horrible bejeweling accident.

Gene Simmons, Richard's spokesperson and mother, said the accident occurred "sometime after his father and I went to bed" last night.

She continued to read from a prepared statement, but had to gather herself at times during the question and answer sessions with both of the reporters covering the tragedy. Simmons laid out the gruesome scene in detail: "We left Richard at the kitchen table with his Bejeweler last night around 9:30. I told him to be careful and only to apply the sequins to his clothing. He loved pretty things…"

At that point Richard Simmons's attending surgeon, Dr. Chetan Patel stepped in to piece together the facts as he saw them. "The medical technicians found Mr. Simmons at the scene unconscious, but still holding on to a bag of golden sequins. We can only guess that he either fell asleep or became overly excited and tried to eat the pretty doodads. It was pretty gruesome."

Longtime friend and business partner Jerrod Jackson asked for prayers for Simmons and gave an account of the current mental stability of physical fitness guru. "Please keep Richard in your thoughts everyone. This is a tragic event," Jackson paused "I only wish we could have prevented it."

Jarred noted that he suspected Simmons to have a "Bejeweling problem" and had begun to ask his friend to get help. "We all knew Richard liked sparkles. I started to question his passion when he would make statements like ‘Gee, I wonder what my chest would look like if I applied sequins to my areolas'."

When reached for comment, Phil Cavanaugh president of M&J Trim, Bejeweler's parent company, issue the following statement. "My lawyers assure me our disclaimers caution against this type of use. Bejeweler © is to be used only under parental supervision and never by Richard Simmons. It is in black and white and my conscious is clear."

It is possible that this passion overtook common sense last night.

If Richard Simmons is to recover it is likely he will not be able to continue his career Steppin' to the Oldies. Again, Dr. Patel, "I would find it hard to believe Mr. Simmons's skin would recover from the removal of many hundreds if not thousands of sequins coving nearly forty percent of his body. Once you have bejeweled something, chances are, it says bejeweled."

For now friends, family, and well wishers hold their breath as their short shorts champion clings on to life at the UCLA Medical Center.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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