Written by Kilroy
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Wednesday, 18 March 2009

image for Zombie of Johnny Cash Attacks  American Idol Adam Lambert
Artist's Rendition of What Johnny Cash's Heavy Metal Singing Clone Would Look Like if it was bitten by a Vampire

A brutal attack on Adam Lambert's following his performance Tuesday night has been traced to the zombie of Johnny Cash. Apparently enraged at Lambert's strange rendition of "Ring of Fire", the decomposed corpse of Cash clawed its way from the grave and accosted Lambert outside a nearby Denny's.

Bystanders were reluctant to get involved as the mangled mass of rotting flesh dressed all in black angrily pummeled Adam, screaming something to the effect of, "You ruined my song you Marilyn Manson wannabe!" Bystanders only got involved after the zombie knocked Adam to the ground and doused him with gasoline, screaming, "Here's your ring of fire!"

"That...zombie...was clearly agitated about something," said one witness describing the assault. "We saw it shuffling across the parking lot towards Adam, shaking its fist. You know, those things are a lot faster than they look...it caught up to Adam over there on the corner and started kicking his ass! At first we thought it was Taylor Hicks, but noticed it was kicking Lambert in rhythm. It definitely wasn't Hicks!" Several by-standers chased the zombie away before it could inflict further damage on Lambert's hairdo.

Randy Travis became hysterical after hearing of the attack. Finally composing himself, Travis explained between chuckles that he was not at all surprised that the reanimated corpse of Johnny Cash went medieval on Lambert.
"I think what he did to that song not only made Cash turn over in his grave, it got him the hell out of it! Johnny always was a take charge kind of guy," Travis explained before yet another bout of hysterical laughter. "God, I wished I could've seen that zombie beat down Lambert! That's actually the same critique I wanted to give him."

Adam is reportedly recovering in a local hospital and heavily sedated. American Idol producers have not said if they will continue using songs of the dead. "We don't want to have to worry about the undead taking offense at certain renditions of their music," said a spokesman for the show. "The contestants are under enough stress. Besides, we've already got Simon to eat their brains."

Police are reportedly searching for the Cash-zombie following several reports of sightings. Witnesses allege the zombie has indicated it will never go back to prison. "We've staked out his gravesite and several Goth clothing stores in the area. We'll get him eventually...or at least MOST of him," said a police spokesman.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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