LEXINGTON, Ky--At least 50,000 screaming teenage girls appeared at a general casting call for the Cameron Crowe film "Elizabethtown" starring Orlando Bloom.
Desperate for the opportunity to appear for two seconds in the same film with the lean, fine-boned, symmetrical, orgasm-inducing Hollywood hunk-o-rama with the soulful puppy-dog eyes, girls from twelve to nineteen jammed into a parking lot outside the building where casting was taking place. The filmmakers and Lexington police were utterly unprepared for the crunch as the mass of sweaty, estrogen-charged, halter-top-and-denim-short-clad girl-flesh continued to grow unchecked.
Lexington police chief Mort McTallywacker said, "There are no toilet faculties, nothing to eat. Traffic's at a standstill throughout the district. Whenever a rumor starts that Orlando's been spotted, it spreads like wildfire through the crowd, and there's a crush in the general direction of the supposed sighting, with the result that lots of girls get trampled, crushed, or asphyxiated. It's a madhouse. A madhouse!
"Still," he added with a drawl, checking out the assemblage of nubile bodies, "ain't our sweet young Kentucky women fine!"
16-year-old Ellie Mae Simpson was happy and excited, despite not having anything to eat or drink since 3 a.m., being unable to sit down, and unable to find a bathroom.
"It's like, oh God, Orlando," she squealed as she adjusted her training bra over the swelling buds of her breasts. "Imagine being in the same film with him. Oh, do you think he'll think I'm cute? Do you think he might say hi to me? Would he leave Kate Bosworth for me? Oh God, kiss me, take me, Orlando! I want to lose my cherry to you!"
Ella Mae then closed her eyes and gasped as a tremor coursed through her slender, highly-charged young teenage body. Just then someone screamed "It's him! It's HIM!!" and she was swept away in the crush.
Asked for comment, Mr. Bloom said, "I'm going out to sign autographs in a bit. I do hope no one gets hurt. But it's definitely cool knowing these hot young chicks are getting off on my pictures. Still, Kate's the only woman for me. For the rest, I will remain just an unattainable fantasy. Sorry girls."