Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 6 February 2009

(Los Angeles-CA) Eight-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael "Don't bogart the bong" Phelps isn't letting his suspension by USA Swimming or Kellogg pulling its endorsement deal take the glow out of his embers. Yesterday, Phelps' agent signed undisclosed eight figure endorsement deals with both Dinkin' Donuts and Roaches-Out Spray due to Phelps being seen in a picture French kissing a bong during a break form training at a South Carolina fraternity party last November.

In a statement, it was revealed there had been protracted discussions with Dinky Donuts on an endorsement for Phelps, however discussions were at an impasse, since donuts are not immediately associated with world class athletes or even non-world class athletes. However, less than 48 hours after "The News of the World" tabloid published the photo, Dinky Donuts approached Phelps' people.

"The unfortunate lapse of judgment exhibited by Michael last November revitalized our opportunity when a representative of the franchise approached us for an endorsement campaign." The reason for the interest? "Munchies, in fact our discussions are currently focused on the "Munchkin" brand."

Immediately after the Dinky Donuts deal, the Roaches-Out brand was approached. "I had this Eureka moment. Okay, Mike did a stupid thing that makes you eat. What else is associated with this stupid thing? Roaches! I free associated: bugs, cockroaches, bad. Make them good, insecticide."

A spokesman did say that the initial contact was less than enthusiastic. "As you can imagine, they weren't that eager to associate themselves with this. But then I told them Mike isn't going to endorse roaches. He's stomping them out. After that, it was just how many "zeros" are going to be in the check."

This could be a career turning point for Phelps, the endorsement possibilities are now endless such as "glaucoma medication' and "putting that 2004 DUI conviction to good use to endorse some spirit brands, cars too. Let's not forget cars! But remember kids. Drink and drive responsibly, and you could win eight gold medals and smoke marijuana too.

The spokesman admitted, however, there would be challenges. "Weight gain. For some reason that we can't yet explain, Mike has gained 45 pounds since November. He doesn't really swim so much as float now."

In a related note, a former Olympic champion and seven-time gold medal winner has offered support for Phelps, wishing him "all the best, and I'd just like to say that I smoked marijuana and took mescaline in 1973 if any one needs any endorsements."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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