Written by Nathan Cooper
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Monday, 14 January 2002

image for Golden Girls Reunion Halted by Incontinence
So golden, so luscious

(Hollywood, CA) A long anticipated reunion movie of the popular television series The Golden Girls was halted when all four stars of the show found it difficult to get through shooting without soiling themselves.

The four stars, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Bette White, and Estelle Getty, all in their 70's, convened on the remodeled studio set last month to film Golden Girls: We've Fallen and Can't Get Up. All four of the sitcom's stars had hoped to reunite their long running NBC program for years, but could not find agreeable openings in their schedules due to the quartet's numerous doctors' appointments.

The made for television two hour special began filming when Bea Arthur, known on the show as Dorothy Zbornak, had to repeatedly shuffle quickly from the set due to what was thought to be food poisoning. After one such occurrence, a crewmember discovered the couch in which she was sitting on during filming was moist and discolored and smelled "like old people." The particular scene had to be canceled and rescheduled until a replacement for the couch could be found, because, as the anonymous crew member stated, "the couch cushion was wet the same thing had happened the day before, and we all know you can only flip a soiled cushion once."

The production crew at one point tried to hide cast members' bladder problems creatively by filming scenes featuring the women on the toilet, in the shower, and wading in swimming pools. However, due to the incredible frequency with which the self-soiling occurred, for it to go unnoticed it was determined the entire movie would have to be filmed underwater; a move too costly for the prescribed budget.

While future filming is still in the works, planning was hampered by a recent startling revelation. Estelle Getty, who plays Dorothy Zbornak's mother, worried crewmembers because she repeatedly missed her lines. It was found yesterday that she missed her cues because she was actually deceased. No immediate plans for a replacement have been named, but Marlon Brando has been rumored.

Also, director Kip Skipson's plans to have her strung up like a marionette puppet have been nixed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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