Grigori Efimovich Rasputin one of the most enigmatic men in modern history is to join the cast of I'm A Celebrity or the next Celeb Big Brother.
Producers are scrambling to bring the misunderstood holy man with strange powers, onto their shitty programmes. Even though he has repeatedly refused and even taken out a court order against the media.
Phil Tom-Jones a brilliant TV producer, worth every penny of his £1.5 million salary said " Yeh...its great the audience will have to decide whether he is a scheming sinner or a man of God. If they don't decide he is a sinner, I will simply edit it that way, because I am the 'true son of God'."
"The papers will re-name him of course, Ra-Ra, after the Bony M song, which went like this 'Ra, Ra, Rasputin lover of the russian queen', it will boost our falling ratings. People will love to hate him and we will focus the camera shots, on his piercing blue eyes with loads of irrelevant and unnecessary close ups of his eyes. Yes his eyes will be the key, those eyes".
The Daily Scum, said "We 'ere at the Scum, are already asking women 'ave you been shagged by Rasputin?....If so was it good?... you see in his time, we know he shagged more muff, minge and fanny than Russell Brand, Michael Douglas and Mick Jagger put together. It would be a big scoop if we could get some slut..er young lady to come forward, who has slept with all four of these men. Otherwise we will simply run with pre-written stories of Jodie Marsh, Jade Goody, Jordan, Kerry Katonia and Jennifer Ellison"
The female/she-male editor, Mrs Kempkah Wade of the Daily Scum, picked her nose, then red stink-hole, then scratched her scabby yet fishy lurid ginger pubes, before ranting " Rasputin was known for 'is famous orgies. 'e scandalized the people of Russia, and rumours circulated that he was conspiring with Germany, so 'e is probably somewhere on the BNP list, cos he's a fuckin Nazi, as well as being a man-slut like Russell Brand. He's such a ready-made media demon, I'm c****g in my crotchless knickers, just thinking about 'im. We hope and I will ensure he is the most hated man, in Britain after his appearance on UK reality TV."
Rasputin said " I have been shot, poisoned and drowned as Bony M accurately sang, in their catchy disco-style song. All that is preferable to facing the UK tabloids and their fuckeries. I am staying in Russia and running an internet porn-site instead !".
"Boy George, is our back up figure of hatred/love if we can't get Ra-Ra", added some no-mark, 23 year old TV researcher, who had obviously never heard of Rasputin, but pretended he did to sound clever, useful and important.