The American Council of Churches announced recently that it was sponsoring a project at UCLA to study the historical ramifications of the Diet of Worms, the famed sixteenth century religious conclave. The study will examine the Diet's action in condemning Martin Luther as a heretic, and the role that played in the Protestant Reformation.
Upon hearing the news, aging actress/singer Barbara Streissand immediately announced the formation of an opposition group of Hollywood activists to be known as "The Protectors of Worms" (POWs). Said Ms. Streissand, "This is a clear violation of the principal of the separation of Church and State. The Council of Churches has absolutely no right to become involved in the public's nutritional choices. Personally, I have been on the Diet of Worms for over a year now, and I can testify that it is the best weight control plan I have ever seen."
At the very time that obesity has become a major issue in American life, the Religious Right has chosen to intervene and call the legitimacy of the Diet of Worms into question. What do you think we Hollywood stars eat at our banquets. Worms, of course. Work, worms and more worms. You can never have too many worms. After all, they are pure protein."
When told by a befuddled reporter that the Diet of Worms referred to Martin Luther, Ms. Streissand responded "of course it does. He was the greatest civil rights activist in American history. If he were here today, he would be in the forefront of this struggle. This is just one more example of the erosion of civil liberties under the Bush Administration. You can bet that if John Kerry were in the White House, every single American would be eating worms for dinner."
Noted historian Sean Penn, proudly showing off his POW membership tattoo, stated that he intends to be a human shield in front of the gate to Jose and Julio's Worm Farm, to thwart any possible nuclear attack by President Bush's Coalition of the Willing (COW). "Fried worms lose most of their nutritional value," said Penn, who also claims to be a nutritional expert. "I have it on good authority that the Diet of Worms only works with raw, fresh worms. In fact, the really devoted dieter gets up at the crack of dawn to catch his worm limit for the day. I mean, the Dr. Atkin's enriched worm shakes are OK for a snack, but for a main meal, it's live worms all the way."
The Protectors of Worms has announced a march on Washington to protest the Bush's Administration's clandestine involvement in anti-worm activities. The program for the day includes a mass worm-out on the Capital steps, which was deemed to be the most appropriate location for that particular activity.
On the opposition side, the furor over the Religious Right's investigation of the Diet of Worms has brought the animal rights activists into the fray on the side of equal rights for worms. PETA has announced that it will seek legislation making worms a protected species. "This is becoming a serious matter," said the PETA spokesperson. "The worm eating fad in Hollywood is seriously depleting the world's worm supply. If future generations want to enjoy worms, we are going to have to act quickly to protect them."
Angry with PETA's interference, Ms. Streissand lashed out with a memorable statement of personal conviction and dedication to the cause. Said Ms. Streissand:
"Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I'm gonna' go eat worms!"