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Wednesday, 22 October 2008

image for Cringe Factor Judge Overcome by Truth
X-Factor judges huddle in conclave

Simon Cowell, the controversial resident slimeball judge on TV's American Idol and the X-Factor, was rushed to Smegmadale-on-Sea's prestigious Harold Shipman Clinic for Medical Excellence in the early hours of this morning after suffering convulsions and going into shock.

Cowell underwent emergency exploratory surgery to determine the cause of his attack and while doctors announced his prognosis is 'fair to good' they further stated he could, hopefully, suffer a relapse at any time.

Ms. Ivana Slagsky, a Ukranian Dominatrix who was with Cowell at the time of his attack, told the media "We were into a spot of FemDom and I was flicking his pathetic flaccid genitalia with my riding crop, then decided to be really cruel and switched the TV channel to the X-Factor and made him watch it.

"The next thing he looses a horrible shriek, throws up his oyster flambee supper and has a fit. I had to put the boot in several times to quieten him down.

"I think the shock of watching himself on television brought on the attack, when faced with the truth of what a tosspot and a walking abortion he really is."

Dr. Clayton Mingepiece told reporters "During surgery we discovered Cowell's brain has shrunk to the size of a stoat's prostate gland and his skull was full of festering excrement, which often occurs with celebrities when ego surpasses intellect and the shock of self-realisation hits them. Just look at Sharon Osbourne, totally brain dead. Take Posh Beckham, a perfect walking example of a celebrity zombie. Nice tits and a head full of diarrhoea. IQ zero".

Cowell, who started his stage career as the arse-end of a pantomime donkey, has become known in entertainment circles as 'a right nasty orange cunt', and was voted last year as the showbiz personality most women would like to piss on from a dizzy height, and the one most men would prefer not to, even if he was on fire.

Perhaps best known for his signature phrase "I don't mean to be rude, but you're an utter useless twat", Cowell studied the mean and spiteful showplace tactics of other famously nasty entertainment personalities such as Judge Judy, Klaus Barbie and the Weakest Wanks quizmaster Anne Robinson.

But with an annual income exceeding US$ 50 million (£14:28p at current forex rates) the 93-year old Cowell can afford to be as insulting as he likes, often leaving his show's contestants in tears due his offensive comments on their lack of talent and even physical appearances.

It has never, until now, seemed to occur, or matter, to the Brighton-born sociopath that he looks like a bag of shit tied in the middle and has the personality of a Turkish caravan site.

While admitting to Daily Sport correspondent Willie Wagrat earlier this year that he regularly undergoes Botox treatments and gets weekly burned orange suntan spray jobs, he vehemently denied he takes it up the rear passage with other men, and only occasionally from his personal Dominatrix' nine inch strapon.

Fellow X-Factor judge, the equally-nasty Pierced Moron, told reporters "Get well, or worse, cards, and flowers, may be delivered to the clinic's reception desk. No nettles, thistles, poison ivy or deadly nightshade, please".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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