Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 15 October 2008

image for Madonna To Wed Liverpool Boss Rafa Benitez
La mujerzuela bonita

Madonna has this morning announced that she is to divorce her English husband Guy Ritchie after nearly 8 years of marriage, and will, instead, marry Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez.

That Benitez is already married, is of little consequence to the pop princess, 58, as she usually gets what she wants, especially in the 'man' department.

Madonna said in a statement that she and Ritchie had "grown apart" ever since he refused to suck her toe last night, claiming this was "unreasonable behaviour".

"Also," she says, "he doesn't speak Spanish."

The two have one biological son, 'Rocco', and an adopted Malawian, David Umbongo.

Ritchie is quoted as saying he "isn't bothered" about the split.

Madonna loves all things Spanish, most notably the language itself, and frequently includes Spanish lyrics in her songs. According to 'insiders', she requires her partners to speak Spanish to her whilst making love. Benitez is Spanish, and would, therefore, make the perfect addition to her steadily-growing list of husbands.

She said:

Tus lagrimas de tristeza
No me dejan olvidarte
(Your tears of sadness
Will not let me forget you)

adding:

La la la la la la la
Te dijo te amo
La la la la la la la
El dijo que te ama

(La la la la la la la
He told you, "I love you"
La la la la la la la
He said he loves you)

The diva, now 57, whose latest album, Hard Cock, sold more than 400 copies worldwide, has also re-recorded one of her most popular songs in Spanish as a duet with the Liverpool boss, and re-named it La Isla Benitez.

It will be in the shops before Christmas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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