Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 3 October 2008

image for Kim Kardashian's Butt Analyzed by Physicists
Kim Kardashian before her balloon butt days.

Recently voted off season 7 of "Dancing with the Stars", Kim Kardashian took the rejection in stride as she swayed her hips defiantly while walking off stage. Viewed by an ever increasing and depraved television audience, one devoted DWTS fan, Dr. Hamen Wattsop noticed a strange phenomenon during Kardashian's exit. The left to right motion on her porch swing actually influenced the camera's movement. It was a physics epiphany for Dr. Wattsop.

Presented to the Journal of American Physicists for their consideration, Wattsop theorizes that Kardashian's rear end carries enough mass to warrant its own gravitational pull. "Not as much as the sun or the earth of course", Wattsop says, "but it does influence the motion and direction of other foreign objects around it. " Provided as evidence to the Journal to support his theory, Wattsop presented two other videos where objects that were not anchored to the ground, made slight movement towards her left or right cheek she walked by. In one instance Wattsop points out, "Look at the steel folding chair in this video clip, right there!" Wattsop points to the screen. "See the back of the chair tip backwards towards her butt as she walked by? There!"

The DWTS video was later released to Wattsop for further study. With enhanced computer analysis, Wattsop proved that the camera pointed towards Kardashian on her exit from stage, did indeed move in a parallel and matched motion to the sway of Kardashian's heiny. The Journal of American Physicists agreed to fund further study of the "Kardashian phenomena", provided they could be in attendance during testing.

Kardashian, now looking for work and some other way to keep her name in the press, has agreed to be the subject of these further experiments. Wattsop has agreed to Kardashian's terms as well, including the filming of every experiment with the proper lighting of her best asset, and a complete supply of pink high gloss lipstick for those unplanned pouty moments.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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