A festering neighbourhood argument over the giant redwoods surrounding Cilla Black's mansion turned ugly earlier this week, with several trees given the chop while the Scouse TV star' was on holiday at Butlin's Lanzarote.
Police were called to Black's home in Denham, Buckinghamshire, following reports that several trees with council preservation orders on them had been cut back to three foot stumps.
It appears neighbours, disgruntled at the height of the trees, decided to take matters into their own hands and hired unauthorised tree surgeons to invade the property and cut back the trees on Tuesday. When Cilla's chief gardener, Arthur Ragwort, heard chainsawing he called the police and district council.
"It was bleedin' mayhem," Ragwort told TheSpoof.com. "One bloke 'ad a white doctor's coat on an' a stethoscope round his neck an' went round markin' trees wiv chalk an' givin' a thumbs down sign. Then this gang of cowboy lumberjacks ran amok wiv chainsaw's, axes an' machetes, cuttin' down every fuckin' thing in th' gardens."
"The stupid bastards 'ave chopped me 300 foot Giant Sequoias an' Dawn Redwoods down to effin' stumps, lopped 'alf an acre of Lancashire 'otpot bushes off at the roots an' got well into the Black Puddin' orchard before th' police arrived an' stopped 'em. Bloody tree butchers, they want 'angin'."
Wilf Vandal, a licensed squirrel strangler and spokesyob for the Sahara Forest Timber Company, told Denham police officers "We gorra call from the local Neighbour'ood Watch like, yer know, to come over an' sort the gardens out like, cash in 'and, no questions asked, know wot I means like.
"No bugger told us Scouse Cilla knew fuck all about the job. Bit of a misunderstandin' an' all that, if yer take me drift like. Anyways, like the T-shirt sez, Shit does 'appen".