Written by Tom Lawrence
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Wednesday, 20 August 2008

image for Paul McCartney to marry Yoko Ono
McCartney - Hoping for a new slant on his sex life

Sir Paul McCartney announced today that he is to marry childhood sweetheart Yoko Ono, widow of his former songwriting and sparring partner John Lennon.

"Few people know this but Yoko's Japanese family used to run our local Chinese takeaway when I was a kid", the scouser told gathered press. "But we lost contact when she ran away to join the Facist party when she was 10".

It was many years later when the two met again when Yoko turned up at Abbey Road studios with John, but the couple failed to recognise each other. "To tell the truth I've suffered from Alzheimers for a few years"' Sir Paul admitted. "I think I've announced it a few times and it explains why my songs all sound the same", he added.

Much acrimony followed Ono's constant attendance at recordings and she is largely credited for the Beatles splitting. "I really hated the bitch", McCartney admitted, "However, after her and John made that album where they were nude on the cover I found myself pulling off to it regularly, sometimes over John, but mainly over Yoko and that little thatch of hers".

"I was married to Linda at the time and she didn't like meat so that album cover really got me through", he admitted frankly.

When the two met again at this months parole hearing for Mark Chapman, McCartney is considering doing a musical on Chapman's life, it was "Real love" at 452nd sight.

The wedding will be held at Liverpool's Muslim Cathedral next month.

"I can't wait", gushed Yoko, "for the divorce when I'll finally own all of the Beatles royalties", she added.

Reverend Ringo Starr will officiate at the ceremony.

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