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Thursday, 10 July 2008

image for Child Protective Services Investigates New Mother Jamie Lynn Spears
This baby looks happier than poor Jamie Lynn's newborn

Jamie Lynn Spears, former star of Zoey 101 and the latest teenage mother in the South, is under investigation already by child protective services for treatment of her three week old child.

Maddie Briann Aldridge, daughter of Spears and fiance Casey Aldridge, appeared to be okay in magazine, newspaper, television, and e-mail photographs, but the Mississippi Department of Child Welfare feels otherwise (the baby was born in McComb, Mississippi).

Wettmud, Mississippi investigator Buddy "Bubba" Jimbob agreed to answer questions and provide information about the investigation.

"Well," he said, "Ya sees, it's like this. We got this here new momma who done said in a tellyvision show that she gets up in the mornin' and gives her daughter a bath, and then takes one herseff."

"Now, that just ain't right. Ain't no way a dirty woman should be warshin' a baby! That dog don't hunt, if'n you know what I mean."

"Then, she sez she's a feedin' this baby some kinda formula. Babies don't need no H2O chemicals, they needs milk! She got them young, pert, upright titties. Why ain't she feedin' her with them? What's she doin', tryin' ta poison the youngin?"

"We also hear tell from all the local ladies down at the beauty shop that she didn't even have a baby shower. Erlene McCoy's been makin' her peach cobbler and takin' it to every baby shower in these parts fer nigh on fifty years. Ma Hatfield's been quiltin' them baby blankets of hers since dirt. Eunice Johnson been makin' cradles and cribs forever with the help of the Bates girls (they wittle out the poles since the arthiritis has got Eunice a hurtin' somethin' fearful). Aggie Turner always donates a mason jar of her shine so's they can have somethin' to dip the pacifier in when the baby starts teethin'. This girl ain't even got the decency ta let the local ladies take care a' her."

"That's another thing: this baby is to good fer a crib or a cradle. They got her sleepin' in this fancy Frenchy thing called a bassinette. Sounds like somethin' you catch fish with, and they're puttin' a baby in it!"

When asked if there was anything that the young mother was found to be doing right in the initial inspection, he said that "she did take precautions against the evil eye. She's got a chicken foot under the mattress in the crib and did break a raw egg on her belly the day they brought her home."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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