Written by matwil
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Friday, 20 June 2008

image for Amy Winehouse Invents Time Travel
Amy used this to go back to 1968 to avoid all the fines she owes

In a surprise move today, or it could be yesterday, singer Amy Winehouse invented travelling through time. Millions watched as the heavily-mascaraed English star stepped into a police box, pressed a few buttons, and then stepped out again into 1968.

First of all she went to Carnaby Street, to get some authentic 'swinging sixties' clothes, and then she took a black cab to the Abbey Road recording studios, where she met with producer Phil Spector. Spector told her: 'Never mind that you can't really sing, it's all about style and cool in 1968 - oh, and about me making the records for you. I'll make sure you get that authentic wall of sound, and doctor your voice so that it sounds half-decent. With me on you're side you'll be about as genuinely talented as the Shangri-Las or the Ronettes.'

Nextly Ms Winehouse paid a visit to Diana Ross and Mary Wilson, to get tips on haircuts and skirts, and after that she hired a young Max Clifford as her publicist. 'Amy', he said to her, 'you're a unique talent - uniquely bland, and unoriginal and untalented. You'll go a long way.'

And pausing briefly to get arrested, and bailed, and arrested, and cautioned, and bailed, and hospitalised, and rearrested, and fined, and prosecuted for wearing bad makeup, and hospitalised yet again, and shot at by a howling dog for crimes against singing, she had this to say to an interested public: 'Er, why am I going to be famous in 40 years' time? Surely there'll be hundreds of sixties' tribute acts by then, who'd need another one?'

But Beatles impersonator Noel Gallagher said: 'Listen, the public can never get enough sixties and seventies tribute acts, just look at us and Blur and Coldplay, she'll be fine when she returns from 1968. I mean, if Lulu can be famous for decades for no reason except singing crap 60s songs, so can Amy.'

Tom Jones is 98 tomorrow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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