Written by Wanda Rizzuto
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Friday, 11 April 2008

Hollywood heartthrob Orlando Bloom has been hospitalized, ostensibly for exhaustion. According to his representatives, Bloom has been working around the clock training for his new film, Hong Kong Phooey, and as a result has become fatigued and unsightly.

Despite the official statement, rumors about his condition abound. Our sources tell us that the reason for his illness is something much more insidious. After all, "exhaustion" does not even begin to explain the small, circular burns that were found on various parts of Bloom's body.

"The last time I spoke to him he was talking about chanting with (singer and celebrity addict) Amy Winehouse," says the source. "You know, he had so much success working with Courtney Love and her drug addiction and everything, so he thought he'd give it a go with Amy. That's all I know about that."

Fans may remember that Bloom helped Courtney Love a few months back with her drug addiction by introducing her to Buddhism. "He doesn't mind being outed…as a Buddhist," said Love at the time.

Bloom was found several days ago whimpering and cowering in an alley near Winehouse's residence. Police have not named Winehouse as a suspect and will not even confirm that a crime has been committed. However, another source relayed a conversation he had with the singer earlier this week.

"Yeah, I burned him with my crack pipe," Winehouse was alleged to have said. "The little wanker kept chanting at me and he wouldn't shut up, so I put out a couple of ciggies on him too."

When asked if she regretted her behavior Winehouse had this to say:

"No. No I don't."

The singer then held up a carton of cigarettes and said to the camera, "Come visit me again Orli! I've got a lovely present for you, haven't I?"

At press time there was no word as to whether production on HKP will be delayed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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