Written by Jesus Budda
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Tuesday, 25 March 2008

image for Tom Cruise Gives Hand Job To Barbara Streisands Masseuse
"You can be my wingman any time."

Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise has finally found the man he wants. The loveable Scientologist has been searching the nation for a hand masseuse to keep his delicate hands soft and "calm his raging spirit" while on the set of his big-budget Rumpelstiltskin movie.

The man he's chosen is none other than David 'the oiler' Nolan, the respected and ultra talented masseuse to the stars. He was the personal hand masseuse to legendary diva Barbara Streisand for 18 years.

"I'm super excited", smiled an insanely cheerful Cruise, "David and I are gonna have a super fun time together I'm sure."

But not everything is rosy in the Cruise garden: he plants daisy's too.

Anyway, the masseuse Nolan is well known for his unpredictable temper and aggressiveness. Once he bit Miss Streisands pinky finger off over a disagreement. Another time he tried to drown her in a bath filled with quick-lime.

"Thats all water under the bridge", said Nolan, "Tom knows that. I've signed a comprehensive contract with him and I know my place. As long as I just rub oil over his naked body and talk only about the weather we'll all get along nicely."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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