Written by Max Von Stroodle
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Wednesday, 23 January 2008

image for Sir Trevor Mc Donald reveals how he gets himself up for News at Ten
Up for it. Trevor McDonald last night.

National institution Sir Trevor McDonald has sensationally admitted to using a fluffer to prepare himself for his gruelling late night schedule.

Speaking exclusively our very own news Knight admitted that it was only his lack of motivation that initially made him unsure whether or not to step back into the limelight.

He explains: "After my retirement from News at Ten I'd settled into my own routine. I enjoyed a few pints and a couple of quid on the dogs".

But that all changed following a late night drinking session at his local pub, The Coach and Horses in Walthamstow. The sprightly octogenarian continued: "When I got back just after 3am I found a note by the lamp in the hallway from my wife. The controller of ITN had phoned and they wanted me back. I honestly didn't know what to do."

Being that his ancestry owns the McDonald's hamburger empire it was obvious that he would not need to do it for the money so what would make him come back? "The thrill of being in the hot seat, nothing comes close."

Luckily our favourite news reader had time to make up his mind whilst away on holiday and this is where he was told the secrets of getting himself up to the task. McDonald went on "Myself and my wife decided to have a week's holiday at the luxury Hedonism resort in Jamaica and it was here that we met the 70's porn star Ron Jeremy. We immediately hit it off. He was a real gentleman and extremely generous. He loved splashing out on my wife".

It was here in a crowded hot tub that Jeremy offered McDonald some advice. "He told me I should use a fluffer" explained McDonald. The portly porn star told McDonald that he had used a fluffer since he started out in porn in the late 40's and had always been able to get up for work.

What made up McDonald's mind was when Jeremy told him of a couple of famous faces who had also taken this unorthodox approach. "When Jeremy told me that Larry King had fluffers on hand at his studios in Seattle and New York I just knew that it was the right choice. The late great Ted '3-2-1' Rogers also used one before his popular Saturday night slot".

On his return to London McDonald was introduced to a young Texan called Nancy. "I must admit that I was nervous about introducing her to my colleagues," explained Mc Donald. "It was only my new junior sidekick, Julie Etchingham, who appeared concerned, Mark Austin thought it was a great idea and should be introduced across the board.

"Nancy visits me about fifteen minutes before we go on air. After five minutes or so I feel up for it and ready to start shooting" explained the dirty old git.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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