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Thursday, 13 December 2007

image for Mel Gibson explains the true meaning of Chanukah
"Okay, I've got nothing against kikes. Now will everyone please start seeing my movies again?"

Actor/director Mel Gibson recently saw his career go into free-fall as the result of his embarrassing anti-Semitic rant during his arrest for drunk driving. As part of the subsequent damage control, Mel checked himself into a rehab clinic.

Apparently there's a clinic that can cure a person of alcoholism, anger issues, anti-Semitism and being an asshole, and that's the one Mel checked into.

Mel reportedly made wonderful progress in rehab. His psychiatrists there say he has quit drinking [except for the occasional bender, but hell, we ALL have those] and he can now go 7 or 8 minutes at a time without saying something nice about Hitler.

But they urged him to go the extra mile in reaching out to the Jewish community he had so offended. Toward that end his clinic caseworker, Dr. Sigmund Fraud, arranged for Mr. Gibson to give a press conference to show off his new-found sensitivity by explaining the Jewish holiday now underway - Chanukah. While Dr. Fraud and 6 orderlies from the clinic stood by watching [holding tasers and a straitjacket just in case Mel had a relapse] Mel made the following remarks:

"Sieg Heil and good day. The Jews who secretly control this press conference [along with everything else in the world] have directed me to explain to you the true meaning of Chanukah, which is their Christmas. And I am only following orders, just like all those poor innocent people persecuted by the Jews at Nuremberg.

"Chanukah is a very ancient holiday. It dates back about 3,000 years, which Creation Scientists have proven is fully half the age of the Earth itself. And back when the Earth was half its present age, the Jews were fighting one of their countless wars of aggression, this one against the Greeks. Or maybe against the Romans or Egyptians; I think one of those three. Not that it really matters. The whole story is probably a myth anyway, just like the Holocaust.

"Or perhaps not! Knowing the Jews as I do, their treacherous war-profiteering makes this particular story plausible, unlike the Holocaust. It seems at that time the Jews had their own country, named either Jewtopia or Jew York, [HA! I made those names up myself. Pretty funny, what?} until it got liberated by the Greeks. Or the Romans or Egyptians, whichever.

"But the Jews, being Jewish, were ungrateful for this wonderous gift of having just had their own country liberated from themselves. They even waged a war of terrorism and insurgency against their noble liberators! Just as the Iraqis are doing today. Only worse - at least we didn't see 6 million Iraqis fake their own deaths and secretly move to Brooklyn and Miami just to make their Heroic Leader look bad. Unlike a certain other race I could name.

"Anyway, the Jews eventually stole their country back from the Greeks, who had liberated and therefore rightfully owned it. They then marched into their "synagogue", which would be called a church in any normal religion, to celebrate that holiday on which they kill and eat Christian children. The only problem was: when the Jews fired up the oven they used for cooking said children, they found there was only enough fuel oil to keep it burning for one day.

"But by some miracle {I warned you this story was farfetched!} that supposed one-day supply of oil somehow kept the oven burning for eight days nonstop. Making for a veritable Toddler Smorgasbord.

"And ever since then, it's been a Jewish tradition to always squeeze eight days of use out of one day's supply of anything."

A visibly relieved Dr. Fraud explained, "Yes, I know - Mel still has a few rough edges. But you should how he was when we first got him!"

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