Written by Deanna Goodson
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Tuesday, 23 March 2004

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Psychic Fiona Speaks

"Psychic Fiona Claire-Vouyant has made some stunning predictions about the end of the world and other stuff," her yoga partner, Hatha, said today.

"Fiona is just dead-on about so many things. Kurt Cobain's death--she predicted it. No weapons of mass destruction in Iraq-that was hers too. She's so gifted. She told me I would get married someday, and that Taboo, my musical about Boy George's life, would bomb. How does she know these things?" Rosie O'Donnell supposedly said.

Fiona's predictions for 2004 and the unforeseen-- to those without her gift--future are:

  • Britney Spears will do something outrageous.
  • Jennifer Lopez will get married again.
  • Voter turnout will be surprisingly low for the 2004 election, even with MTV's "Rock the Vote" campaign.
  • Ben Affleck will star in a decent movie before the end of the decade.
  • The Polish will pull out of Iraq, but it won't make a difference.
  • More terrorist attacks will occur, perhaps in Europe or the US, but most definitely in the Middle East.
  • There will never be a "Gigli 2".
  • The Pope will die.
  • U2 will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
  • Donald Trump will never get rid of his comb-over.

For more psychic predictions, stay tuned to the Spoof.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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