Written by marlowe
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Monday, 24 September 2007

image for Brian Blessed Admits He is Crap Actor
Last sighting of Blessed as he went into retirement renting deckchairs on Everest

After a merciless onslaught of criticism from everyone in the world, including Amazonian pygmies, Inuit hermits and even babies not even born yet, Brian Blessed has given in and admitted that he is a very crap actor indeed.

"It's all over, I quit. That bastard 'marlowe' started all this but the momentum grew and I just can't take any more." he said banging the table and splitting it in half. He promised never to inflict his big fat beard on a screen ever again.

At a tearful press conference he confessed that he has always known he was crap since his 'Z Cars' days, but got jobs from TV and film companies all these years by frightening them. If he ever got turned down for a role he would stand outside the director's house or at the film location and just keep talking in his usual loud, booming, monotonous voice.

To really turn the screw, he said, he would regale them with stories of his adventures climbing mountains; how, if a mountain was too high, he would simply eat the top off (why do you think so many people are able to climb to the summit of Everest these day!?).

"I could go on for days about how scary it was to do Z Cars live " he blubbed.

According to insiders, the terrible loudness and boringness of the incessant chatter made life so intolerable for everyone within a three mile radius that it was just easier to give him a job.

Kenneth Branagh has taken the brunt of his bullying and had to employ him in his films more often than anyone.

"Thank god the pretence is over." said Branagh last night, " I have always had to acclaim him as a great actor, first of all because he knew where I lived and I just needed to get some sleep, and also¬Ö well, he did made me look good. Funny, isn't it, he's not much worse an actor than me [Whoops, don't quote me on that will you] but I am going to finish my career as Lord Branagh and he's off to rent deckchairs on the summit of Everest. "

'Lord' Branagh then wanted to talk about his latest Shakespeare film bollocks but your busy correspondent had a life to get on with. If you want to know any more he is probably still talking about it in the bar of the British Film Institute. He was when I slipped away.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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