Written by Lorenzo Lee
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Monday, 8 March 2004

image for Ron Wood Back to the Bottle; Keith Richards Furious
On the Sauce Again..

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has reportedly been back to his drinking habit after staying sober for the past two years. Everyone in the Rolling Stones organization, including lead singer Mick Jagger, is said to be so worried about this---with the exception of one fellow.

Guitarist Rolling Stone Keith Richards is said to be furious at this latest development.

"I'm supposed to be the one in the news when it comes to being stoned or drunk! Why is Ronnie on the news all the time?" Richards exclaimed. After all, the man dubbed by the rock press as the "World's Most Elegantly Wasted Human Being" has an image to live up to.

Richards, 60, reportedly kicked his 10-year heroin habit in the early 1980's but still drinks gallons of alcohol everyday. "I drink like a fish, and I get no press about it!!! I'll wring Ronnie's neck when I see him!"

Richards is said to be so angry that he is considering replacing Ronnie Wood with Elijah Wood, although the latter Wood has no guitar playing experience whatsoever. "Who cares." Richards hissed, "At least he's got the same last name as Ronnie's. People won't notice that much."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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