Written by Deanna Goodson
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Wednesday, 3 March 2004

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Charlize Theron: Best Dressed at Oscars; Worst Dressed in Film

Hollywood, CA

In respect to the Super Tuesday yesterday, fashionistas waited to give their final review of Oscar's best and worst dressed.

"Jes, ve did not vant to overshadow ze politicians. No, zat vouldn't be prudent," Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said. No, just kidding. That was the amazing, incomparable Jean Valjean Luc Picard, the designer who turned the fashion world on its well-dressed ear when he started designing dresses with iron.

"It was very Inquisition. They were hard to wear, but so shiny," Joan Rivers was quoted as saying from the hospital where she was getting a plastic surgery tune-up.

Anyway, Jean Valjean Luc Picard, the bisexual Captain of the Fashion Industry, announced his picks for the top ten best dressed men and women this year. He will do his worst dressed list in a different article.

"Jes, I do not believe in lumping lozers with ze winners." He said.

Best Dressed Women:

  1. Charlize Theron. She's great, isn't she? Everyone has to say that about the big winner, right?
  2. Nicole Kidman.Not many women can carry off silver feathers, but Nicole c'est magnifique
  3. Sofia Coppola. She is stunning. Yes. (Her dad just called and said he'd put a hit on me if I didn't include her. Ciao bella!)
  4. Halle Berry We are not sure if she was there, but she's still better dressed than half these idiots.
  5. Renee Zellwegger. She had the perfect accessory, a big fat boyfriend who made her look extra good
  6. Keshia Castle-Hughes. You can ride my whale next time you are in Holland where it's still legal. I don't want to be banned like Roman Pollanski.
  7. Angelina Jolie.Her outfit showed us all just how cold it was in the auditorium. Hooray for Nipples!
  8. Julia Roberts. She's just got such a big mouth. I wonder what she can do with it. Pretty Woman!!
  9. Catherine Zeta Jones.She is fan-CATH-stic! Oh too die for.
  10. Oprah Winfrey. She proves that 50 is beautiful (ha, ha). Well, she's not fat anymore, is she?

Now, for the top ten best dressed men.

  1. Johnny Depp. He is just so adorable. I could eat him up with a spoon.
  2. Billy Crystal. He looked so much better with clothes on than he does naked. Now, that I could have done without.
  3. Jack Nicholson. He is an icon and larger than life. Yes, a little larger than he used to be too, but still fills out a tux nicely.
  4. Michael Douglas. He just gets better with age. It could have something to do with his stunning wife. Maybe I wasn't really looking at him.
  5. Tim Robbins. The man in black and he kept his political mouth shut. That I like.
  6. Sean Penn. When he cleans himself up and doesn't smack around the press, he really looks great. No, he did not pay me to say that.
  7. Elijah Wood. He is the cutest little Hobbit. So lean and lithe, like a young ballerina dancer. I love him.
  8. Ben Kingsley. Sir Ben certainly has a Big Ben if you know what I mean. I couldn't take my eyes off it.
  9. Robin Williams. Yes, I think he finally found a good groomer. He is usually so hairy. It was nice to see him clean up for a change.
  10. Peter Jackson. Normally, I wouldn't do this, but I've always wanted to act and he is the hottest director in town right now. He's great.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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