Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 30 July 2007

image for Big Brother Chanelle Tries To Make Her Mind Up
Get back to Yorkshire you stupid bitch!

DAY 61: There was more trickery and fakery over the weekend when Chanelle Hayes, the Big Brother housemate, almost walked out of the show, only to later reconsider her impulsive act, and eventually decided to 'mull it over' until Monday.

Chanelle, 19, from Fakefield near Wakefield, West Yorkshire, has thrown several fits during her time in the house, but was thought to be 'over the worst', after her arch-enemy Charley was evicted by public vote on Friday.

On Saturday, however, Chanelle became increasingly agitated about the presence next door of a potential new 'bevy of beauties', five new housemates residing in the Big Brother Halfway House.

Hayes' on-off-on-off relationship with failed pop star Ziggy, has made viewers puke over the last eight weeks, and the student has induced many a Fake Tantrum to deal with her childlike need for attention.

After initially telling Big Brother in the Diary Room that she was "not happy", she caused a minor flood when she forced tears out of her ducts at the incredible rate of 17 cubic litres per minute, before fire crews were called in to deal with the problem.

Chanelle got as far as the door, then inexplicably changed her mind, and said she would "sleep on it" and make a decision later today.

Channel 4 bosses are at their 'wits end' over the current bunch of boring dimwits, and viewing figures have plummeted to an 8-year low of only 350,000 per night. The future of the show is to be discussed at a meeting of senior executives after the show is over in September.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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