Written by Matty J Rad
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Thursday, 26 July 2007

image for Lindsay Lohan busted with the fine white sugar
"Honest, it's sweet 'n low, guys!"

Today Lindsay Lohan managed to make a bigger fool of herself than most people thought possible. She has been caught driving intoxicated (again) and possessed several bags of powdered substance thought to be crack cocaine.

After an unusually long test to determine exactly what the substance was, the test results came back and all charges of possession of drugs were dropped. It appeared that Lindsay Lohan had purchased the flavored refined sugar candy known as "Pixie Sticks" that are manufactured by the Wonka Corporation. She was so drunk the night she bought the fake cocaine she didn't realize that the dealer was a twelve-year-old boy who happened to have Pixie Sticks and about thirty plastic bags. He made about 5000% profit on the sale.

Currently, Lindsay Lohan appears to have blonde hair, and so she does, but not thanks to hair products or dye. A hair follicle was tested and had intense amounts of Pixie Sticks chemicals within. It is now clear that Lindsay and been buying from this twelve-year-old for quite some time.

Lindsay's manager and friends (all two of them) are extremely grateful to this twelve-year-old because if Lindsay actually took the cocaine in the stead of fine sugar, she'd have died before she made "The Parent Trap."

Now Lindsey claims it wasn't her crack (still unaware of what it truly was). She also says she wasn't drunk. She is going to spend a short amount of time in jail, but this was because she chose to go. "It will be an interesting experience," she told us, but we all know that she just wants as much attention as Paris Hilton got on her excursion to the slammer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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