Essex - (Ass mess): Michael Barrymore has told friends that he fears for his life following this week's pronouncement by Russian President Vladimir Sputum of 'serious reprisals' following the expulsion of four Russian spooks from London.
"It's been hell since the re-opening of the Lubbock pool death fiasco," Barrymore said today.
"But I've managed to keep the cops at bay for a second time, until this news from Moscow on Monday.
"Frankly if Putin won't extradite that daftass Lugovoi to London to stand trial for the Plutonium poison scam then I may be dead meat.
"It's been bad enough with Blair's no longer able to shield me from these ex-KGB mobsters who took over my turf in 2000, but I could just about handle it.
"Now this promosed tit-for-tat has got me shitting my self.
"Don't they know Putin blames me for every major national entertainment disaster ever since I sold their national TV station that idea of a Russian Spitting Image which they closed down on treason and defamation grounds?
"I may have to demand official protection. Either that or go into hiding if only I can get my passport back from the cops."
Police sources have confirmed today that Barrymore was once on the top 10 of Russia's Most Wanted after their Kukly version of the Spitting Image program named Putin as Osama Bin Laden's business partner.