Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 20 June 2007

image for Crimewatch Nick Ross Quits Show In Mysterious Circumstances
Police are looking for Ross

Nick Ross, the presenter of BBC's Crimewatch for the last 40 years, has quit the show, saying he feels 'sidelined' by younger staff.

Ross, 59, whose brother is TV would-be funnyman Jonathan Ross, started out on the show when he left school at 16, but says he feels intimidated by the new crop of sexy young presenters and production staff floating around the studios in their provocative low-cut tops and mini-skirts.

TheSpoof, however, can exclusively reveal that Crimewatch Ross has decided to 'hang up his handcuffs' after he, himself, was arrested last week in Soho for "an unspecified crime".

Ross has, for a long time, been a 'housewives favourite' on Crimewatch, having kept himself looking tidy and presentable, and has always had an eye for the ladies. Now, speculation is rife that he may have been kerb-crawling, trying to secure the services of a "dirty woman".

Others think that the Crimewatcher may be nervous about the success of Barry George, who has just won the right to appeal against his conviction for the murder of Ross's former co-presenter Jill Dando. Ross was never questioned about Dando's murder.

Crimewatch has, over the years, helped to put thousands of criminals behind bars with it's monthly 'Rogues Gallery', and Ross has been a mainstay of the show, but there are also many unsolved crimes that the frontman could have committed, and for which, he has, thus far evaded arrest.

A BBC spokesman said:

"He's probably done a few of them, if not all."

Police Inspector Dick Gubbins of the Metropolitan Police said:

"Violent crime is very rare. Please don't have bad dreams. But if Nick Ross has committed any of these crimes, we'll have him by the balls, you can be sure of that!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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