Anxious to regain Stateside popularity former Wham! dreamboat George Michael will from now on refuse to be gay on American soil.
Following his Beverly Hills arrest in 1998 for lewdness in the face of a sausage, 43 year old Michael further alienated his US public in 2002 with the catchy Shoot the Dog track. Inspired textual analysis of the lyrics unearthed homo-eroticism, world leaders and a misogynist plot to kill Tony Blair's rictus-mouthed beloved, Cherie.
'Taking on Sony was really the beginning of my decline in the US,' whined an overweight and micturating Michael, 'I just couldn't get the radio. Being a gherkin-jar didn't help either.'
All that, according to Gorgeous George, is about to change: 'When I'm in New York or LA I'm straight. . . so watch out ladies!'
Rumours that a balding Andrew Ridgeley will 'step into the breach' if George is offered any backstage action are unconfirmed.