Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Harry Potter

Friday, 1 June 2007

image for Harry Potter Theme Park to be built on Ancient Indian Burial Site?
Amusement park goers run the serious danger of literally being scared to death by literary figures.

Orlando, Florida - The Seminole Tribal Council, alleging its sacred ancestral burial grounds will be disturbed, is disputing Universal Studio's proposed future site of the Harry Potter Theme Park. Builders refusing comment, plans for construction proceeding as scheduled. Tribe warns of dire consequences.

"It's a really bad idea, you know," said Chief Martinez of the Seminole Nation. "The Seminole tribal spirits will be angry at having their scared grounds violated by the Harry Potter Theme Park, instead of a casino, like we promised them."

"But we are hoping the little woman with big eyeglasses and the high-pitched unsettling voice from the Poltergeist movie series can mitigate the anger of the spirits," continued the Chief.

Many Native American tribes call upon her to quite the rage of their dead ancestors.

As well as many White Anglo-Saxon Protestants suburban families that have trouble settling into track housing built on gave sites, haunted by malicious murdering spirits, desiring to kidnap their children and bent on their absolute destruction.

Tribal members fear that if the amusement park is built on their sacred ground, the safety and lives of millions of visitors will be compromised in a similar manner.

For the first time ever, amusement park goers run the serious danger of literally being scared to death by literary figures.

"It will be confusing for park goers and the Seminole spirit ancestors both," said a little woman with big eyeglasses in high-pitched unsettling voice. "The park is based on the supernatural world setting that J.K. Rowling created, but the spirits don't know that."

Unable to distinguish the real ghost from the fake ones, the Seminole spirit ancestors will join in with J.K. Rowling's animated literary characters in attacking park guests, said the little woman with big eyeglasses in high-pitched unsettling voice, whose actual name is Regina.

Critics contend, however, that the bones found at the proposed building location are European, not Native American. Therefore, it is not an ancient Indian burial site but that of an old church cemetery with some cave filled with even more bones at the very bottom, and the skeleton of some preacher guy holding a Bible with some smaller skeletons, kids maybe, surrounding him, as if conducting some godforsaken ritual when they died.

"What? That holds absolutely no significance at all," said Andy Jackson, a general contractor and president of the local real estate boosters club.

"There's only White people buried down there," continued Jackson. "What's so scary about that? We'll just bulldoze the bones into a big pile, invite the relatives to pick out their loved ones and give them a 10% discount on the cost of admissions to the park (holidays, special events, weekends or any other convenient time, and before 7 p.m., excluded)."

Park planning officials are said to be seriously considering having guests sign an additional liability waiver before they are allowed to enter theme park.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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