Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 20 April 2007

image for Her Majesty The Queen Gets Nits During Albert Square Visit
If you look carefully, you can just see them

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II got more than she bargained for on a recent visit to the Albert Square set of BBC soap EastEnders, for, as well as a guided tour and a gin & tonic at the Queen Vic, she returned home with her hair FULL OF HEAD LICE!

The Royal Mop became infested with the pesky nits when its owner briefly clashed heads with the show's filthy tramp Keith Miller, played by David Spinx.

Spinx keeps the parasites as pets, and has successfully bred them for many years.

The Queen is an avid fan of the show, and told Barbara Windsor, played by Peggy Mitchell, that she rarely misses an episode.

Her favourite character is Dot Cotton, and she awaits the gossipping old crone's next adventure with baited breath - a bit like Dot's!

She dislikes Ian Beale, and thinks that he is lucky to have long-suffering Jane still by his side.

"He's rather narsty", she said "the way he treats that poor girl and his customers at the cafe is absolutely disgraceful."

Her Royal Highness also had some advice for little Ben, Phil Mitchell's son, who is being bullied by his dad's evil girlfriend, Stella.

"Push her down the stairs" said the Queen, itching her scalp rabidly, "and shove a poker in her eye."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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