ST. LOUIS (AP) -- Rush Limbaugh, the right-wing radio talk-show host who says he has half his brain jammed up his posterior "just to keep things fair," has admitted that he has the other half of his brain amorously infatuated with Ann Coulter.
"I have to tell you something, folks," Limbaugh said Friday during his nationally broadcast program. "After all is said and done, I, frankly, don't care. That stupid fascist dyke Ann Coulter is a real babe, and I got the hots for her. Even a closet faggot like me can get turned on by a dominatrix like Ann. Just imagine her dressed in black leather with lotsa zippers and a whip. Ohmygod."
The thrice-married-and-now-single Limbaugh not only commented on Coulter's looks, sexual orientation and part time employment, but told his audience he'd have no problem romantically pursuing her if she liked men.
"This woman is a babe, and if she wasn't queer, I don't care what she's done or what her political affiliation is, I'd be throwing my hat in the ring and inviting her over for a real crack and Viagra party," Limbaugh confessed. "I bet she likes cigars."
Limbaugh also responded to criticism from his listeners that he's not doing enough for conservatives in America by asking, "What more do you people want?"
In the aftermath of the devastating 2006 congressional elections, Limbaugh said Republicans were to blame for their own demise at the polls by failing to run a campaign showing any sort of moral values.
"Republicans are by nature lying, venal and amoral hypocrites, everyone knows that. They invented the Seven Deadly Sins. But who cares when we have hotties like Ann in our conservative ranks?" Limbaugh asked his listeners in a rambling manner.
"And I know that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney and Pat Robertson would like to get a piece of that action with Ann and me too," he added.