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Friday, 2 March 2007

image for Trombone player suffers heart attack during Britney Spears-Boston Symphony concert; several others injured
Musicians in the pit could not take their eyes off of Spears as she paraded around above them

A trombone player for the Boston Symphony went into cardiac arrest Saturday night while playing in the orchestra pit. The symphony was playing for a packed house with Britney Spears when the incident occurred.

A French horn and upright bass player also suffered injuries during the evening's performance as well. They were treated after the show for severe neck cramps at Boston Regional Hospital then released. The trombone player was taken by ambulance to the same hospital where he remains in stable condition.

After being interviewed, it was revealed that the musicians spent most of the show looking up at the salaciously preposterous Spears, then back down again at their musical scores while the hairless Spears paraded back and forth above them in a dress without her panties on.

A spokesman for Union League and Civic Arts Foundation condemned the action saying that those players should have never been put in that position in the first place and that the impetuous Spears knew exactly what she was doing.

Cathy Pierce said, "There is a limit to how much discipline these guys have and I think we've found it. History demonstrates that the only things that can distract a male musician from playing music are sex, drugs and tax evasion."

This was the first time that the Boston Symphony and Britney Spears have ever done a concert together and will probably be their last said Boston Symphony music director, James Levine. Despite Spears singing powerfully during the show, Levine said that "the toll of losing three members to injuries that could have been prevented is just not worth it. We may as well be in the NFL."

Spears, named affectionately as "the bald soprano," sung the following songs:

Vivaldi's sacred music for Anglo-Saxons, Oswaldo Golijov's "Lua descolorida" ("Moon, colorless), Bolcom's tongue-in-cheek ode to love, "Amor," Mark Blitzstein's "I Wish It So" and Rinaldo Assandrini and Concerto Italiano for Clitoris in B flat.

When asked if having Spears parading above them without her underwear changed the music any, musicians in the pit said "yes, definitely. The timing was off."

"Many of us lost our place in the music," a horn player said. "We had to go back and start over again on the same line and that didn't work because everyone else had gone on."

As one could imagine, a very strange cacophony of sounds was created that evening. In fact, a whole new musical score was written. It was something along the lines of Paul Winter meets the Exorcist, or Tubular Bells.

Boston Symphony conductor, James Levine said that having the blazon Spears parading around on stage while his musicians were down in the orchestra pit was the equivalent of having a vagina attached to a metronome ticking back and forth to the irregular rhythm of a man's heartbeat on Viagra.

"Even the chopsticks didn't have an effect that night," he said.

Levine normally uses chopsticks to conduct the orchestra to remind Asian musicians that they will not get any dinner if they don't play well.

In other news today, Bob Dylan admitted today that he like classical music.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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