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Thursday, 1 March 2007

image for Britney Spears "the bald soprano" will sing with the Boston Symphony
James Levine conductor of the Boston Symphony uses chopsticks to remind Asian artists they may not get to eat

Pop diva Britney Spears will do a concert with the Boston Symphony this weekend. Critics say that the concert is a last-ditch effort for the pop princess to look more mature and sophisticated and may be just another publicity stunt for the 25-year-old who can't keep her panties, or marriages on.

Spears, otherwise known as "the bald soprano" will sing songs like Vivaldi's sacred music for the Anglo-Saxons, or solo motet, "Nulla in mundo pax sincera" (Nobody in the world wants peace like I do).

She will be backed by the world famous Boston Symphony Orchestra at its home base in Boston Symphony Hall, considered to be one of the three finest concert halls in the world. The show will air at 9 pm eastern standard time this Saturday night on CBS (Can't Be too Sure).

The symphony is currently being conducted by the electrifying American conductor, James Levine who uses chopsticks to conduct the orchestra to remind players, most of whom are Asian, that they better play well, or they will not get anything to eat that night.

Spears will be backed by an orchestra made up of one piccolo, 2 flutes, 2 oboes, one cor anglais, 2 clarinets, one bass clarinet, 2 bassoons and one contrabassoon. Those are the woodwinds. The next section will be the brass. Those are 6 horns, 5 strumpets, 2 strumpetbones, one bigass trombone, and one tuba; The concussion section with one timpani, one snare, one bass drum, cymbils, one hairy triangle, one celesta and one gay man playing the piano; And the strings: 2 harps, 30 violins, 12 violas, 12 cellos, and 8 double basses.

Other songs that the pop princess will sing include: Oswaldo Golijov's "Lua descolorida" ("Moon, colorless), Bolcom's tongue-in-cheek ode to love, "Amor," Mark Blitzstein's "I Wish It So" and Rinaldo Assandrini and Concerto Italiano for Clitoris 111.

A member of the horn section said that there is an air of expectation about Saturday night's performance.

"We realize that anything could happen," said James Oslowskimitchozonovich. "We're all looking forward to being in the pit as Spears parades around on stage. We hope that she gives us a good show."

Spears had only one thing to say to her fellow orchestra members down in the pit and that was to hold on to your horns.

In other news today, Paris Hilton caught "Ridin' the Goat" again; loses driving privileges indefinitely in front of a crowd of fans.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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