Pinewood Studios - (Ass Mess): London-domiciled Kazakhstani actor Mr Borat is said to be auditioning for the lead role of Litvinenko The Movie after a new slant on the hapless ex-KGB spook's life and death was penned by script writers once associated with the Black Adder TV comedy genre.
The film portays Litvinenko as the dimwitted puppet of Lord Levy who is blackmailing Tony Blair for a peerage in the House of Lords in an effort to reinvent his disgusting, seedy, spooky past as an IRA bum-bandit for the 1998 Good Friday Agreement.
But he has no money to lend the Labour Party and finds Cherie Blair physically repulsive, so cannot take the traditional sperm donor route to Upper House glory.
The plot revolves around a dodgy shipment of organic freetrade Colombian cocaine and a fistfight with Chelsea FC boss Roman Abramovich in a secret government silo housing the National Poisons Unit.
The inevitable tragic end that sees the ex-spook pickled in weapons-grade Plutonium is counter-balanced by the bathos of the Royal Navy seizing a dozen crack shipments in the Carribean and Abramovich having to fire his henchman Jose Mourhino because he can no longer afford to buy up any more footballers and is blackballed in the black market.
A press announcement later this week will give more details about the supporting cast.