Written by Johnny Moodis
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Topics: Violence, Wife

Wednesday, 26 November 2003

image for Andy Capp Arrested for Domestic Violence
Andy Capp with the cue he allegedly used to beat his wife and the beer he drank while he did it.

Andy Capp was arrested early this morning for allegedly severely beating his wife, Flo, with a billiard cue.

Capp, whose chauvinist exploits are chronicled in the popular comic strip series bearing his name, has had several domestic incidents with his wife over the years, but none so harsh as this most recent charge.

"We took Mr. Capp into custody and Mrs. Capp is in critical condition," Constable Harold Stegman said, "Fortunately, she regained consciousness just long enough for us to get a statement."

According to police, Capp staggered home from his favorite pub at 4 a.m. where an angry Flo met him at the door. When she asked him where he had been, he allegedly told her that he was at a bake sale for the local church. When Mrs. Capp pointed out that he had a billiard cue tucked under one arm and a pint of beer in the other hand, he tried to convince her that it was a church bake sale and billiard tournament that was sponsored by Boddingtons. Mrs. Capp did not believe him and simply gritted her teeth at him.

"Normally, when Mr. Capp is caught like that, he just makes some snide remark and it's off to bed," said Mary Nielson, a neighbor, "but I guess this time he just finally snapped, so he started smashing her with the cue."

Ms. Nielson constantly spies on the Capps and therefore saw the whole incident. According to Nielson, Capp beat his wife in the abdomen and head with the cue until she went to the ground, then continued beating her until he finished his beer. Then he left her in the doorway and disappeared into the house, presumably to bed, where authorities found him after Ms. Nielson's call.

"I'm not going to say I agree with what Andy did, but maybe Flo had it coming," said Tom Grant, a friend of Capp's, "There's only so much nagging and belittling a bloke can take, you know?"

Capp is being held without bail on charges of domestic violence, attempted murder and stealing a mug from a pub. If Mrs. Capp dies as a result of her injuries, the charge could be upgraded to murder in the second degree. Capp could face 20 years to life in prison, and £4.99 for the mug.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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