Written by Paxton Quigley
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Saturday, 26 April 2014

image for BBC Plans New TV Channel for Senior Citizens and Ukip Supporters
Aren't black people funny?

BBC Director-General Tony Hall has announced that under pressure from the Daily Mail and with the rise of Ukip the BBC is to introduce a new TV channel to cater for neo fascists and closet racists.

"As a public service the BBC is mandated to reflect and take into account the makeup and attitudes of the licence holders it serves. Today I am pleased to announce a new TV channel dedicated to the good old days of the post-war years of the 20th century when Britain was Great and it was every man and woman's right to contract polio and tuberculosis, to not be forced to eat continental breakfasts, to see a banana for the first time and for their children to play on bomb sites. The new channel will be called BBC Blighty."

Your fearless reporter has had advance notice of programmes which will grace the new service:

Love Thy Neighbour. Aren't black people funny? An Afro-Caribbean family is welcomed by a white neighbour who mistakenly believes that the words "coon" and "nig nog" are terms of endearment. Knockabout fun as racist epithets are traded from 1972-76.

Till Death Us Do Part. A frustrated and opinionated working-class Cockney Tory bigot argues the toss with his layabout Scouse son-in-law about immigration and politics. Misogynist Alf Garnett is famous for introducing the pet name "silly moo" for his ever-suffering wife. Strangely Alf is played by a Jewish socialist Warren Mitchell. 1965-75.

The Black and White Minstrel Show. 1960-78. What a hoot! White men black up as golliwogs for song and dance and are tantalised by scantily clad white women in this precursor to the multiracial society.

Are You Being Served? 1972-85. The misadventures of the staff of a major department store. Notorious for introducing to a hitherto unsuspecting public the unknown concept of homosexuality in the shape of high camp Mr. Humphreys and jokes about Mrs. Slocum's thankfully unseen pussy.

It Ain't Half Hot Mum. 1974-81. The comic adventures of a group of misfit soldiers who form an extremely bad concert party entertaining the troops in the jungles of Burma during World War II. Mysteriously no mention is made of the Indian soldiers who made up the bulk of the British army in the defeat of the Japanese.

Mixed Blessings. 1978-80. An eye opener for decent society in the 1970s, as Thomas and Susan are in love. But he is white and she is black and so their marriage raises tensions among their respective families. A big hit in Brixton, Handsworth and Toxteth where interracial relationships were unheard of in the 20th century.

Mind Your Language. Aren't foreigners funny? Barry Evans plays a put-upon language teacher who tries to make a living by teaching English to stupid immigrants. Watch out for jokes featuring puns on "happiness" and "a penis". Side splitting fun from 1977-78.

Dixon of Dock Green. 1955-1976. A London bobby, played by Jack Warner, is on the beat in the fictional borough of Dock Green and with the help of his son-in-law detective keeps the riff raff at bay. In the manner of Jerry Springer each episode ends with a self righteous homily making sure that the viewer understands that crime doesn't pay. Jack Warner emigrated to Trinidad after retiring from the title role of PC George Dixon where he involved himself in politics and football, becoming a member of FIFA's executive council where has was indicted not once but twice for accepting bribes. Maybe he should have listened to his own advice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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