Written by Paxton Quigley
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Thursday, 8 August 2013

image for Balham Film Director's New Release: "Valley of the Trolls"
Killer goat

He is a much respected film director and auteur. He has won numerous awards including The Golden Rose of Macclesfield and the Palme d'Ordinaire at Cannes. The works he has produced and directed include art house classics, blockbusters and a hidden camera erotic home movie which was filmed with a close friend and with a duped amateur as the female lead, released only on the internet under the title "Mine's a Double". After the conclusion of the resulting court case, J. Arthur Rancour has returned to form with his latest oeuvre which is a fly on the wall documentary about his exploits in the little known dark world of trolls.

Mr. Rancour once again spoke to our entertainment editor, Sy Cophant.

"We had two attempts at making this film, the first being disastrous. The film crew and I took a SleazyJet flight to Norway where we had arranged to meet with Mr. Innocent Smith, an emigre Nigerian 'fixer' we had found on the internet who had told us that he knew the trolls. We were a bit put out that for their co-operation the trolls had asked for an advance payment of 10,000 euros but eventually we decided to give the money to Mr. Smith to pass on.

"A week later and there was no sign of Mr. Smith and he had stopped taking my calls, so we gave it up as a bad job and started asking around for the trolls' whereabouts. Norwegians aren't very communicative to strangers - they would just look at us and wander off mumbling to themselves, some even laughed. Anyway, it turned out that we had been conned by Mr. Smith and that the last remaining troll had been exterminated by the Gruff family's billy goats over a hundred years ago. Merde, as they say in Norway, but we did have some footage in the can.

"So we returned to the offices of my production company, Cinema Paradiso (Balham), for a rethink, to carry out more research and for me to personally audition and screen test some aspiring teenage actresses I had met after closing time in Tooting McDonalds, when one of my crew came up with a story from the Sun 'newspaper'. Bugger me! I was shocked to discover that there are trolls in England after all. No need to bugger me, I was just being profane.

"So, it all worked out well in the end. Our undercover work made some astonishing discoveries about the new trolls. It seems that most, if not all of them are impotent misogynists living in a virtual fantasy world who can only stammer and blush if they meet a female in person and they live with their mums who dote on them. These doting mums often leave meals outside their bedroom door on a tray while reminding the troll to wash and change their underpants occasionally. Of course, trolls are virgins and anatomically they are not like normal men, most having small penises many of which have friction burns and calluses from spending too much time online.

"I am rather proud of this work and you can see it next week on Comedy Central channel as for some reason nobody else will broadcast it. By the way, you did promise me 10,000 euros for this interview, didn't you?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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