Written by Gee Pee
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Monday, 24 June 2013

Mexican actress Selma Hayek prayed nightly to God for a bigger bust. She even visited a church in Cancun, where, allegedly, the Virgin intercedes with God to work miracles. She bathed her chest in holy water and asked God to "make 'em sprout!"

She was rewarded in spades as, according to Ms Hayek, her breasts grew so much that she now sports a hefty 38DD. "God is good," she preaches.

She is the envy of women the world over, and men the world over are praising these "gifts from God."

Selma says that she knows of many other female celebrities who also owe their large "endowments" to divine intervention. "I won't mention any names," she says, "but, if I were to do so, Dolly Parton's might come to mind, along with Jennifer Love Hewitt's."

Theirs are "divine," too, she admits, "but not as divine as mine."

God has been less inclined to bless other actresses with big, beautiful "lady lumps", she suggests, citing Sarah Michelle Gellar, Alyson Hannigan, and Michelle Trachtenberg as women whom God, apparently, has "cursed," despite their Jewish ancestry.

She says she has "no idea" why God would bless some women and curse others, but she believes that "God is definitely a breast man." She is convinced that "God likes big-breasted women" and that "Eve was almost certainly big-breasted."

"I thought that God wanted me to share my breasts with men in a physical manner." Since then, she has come to believe that God wants her to do no more than to "let guys have a peek".

"It's not gratuitous if God commands it," she argues, "and it could boost my career, too, which has been flagging lately."

Hayek suggests that any girl or woman who is dissatisfied with her breast size appeal to God for help before undergoing breast-augmentation surgery or hormone therapy. "Praying to God might even work for transsexuals," she says, "since God is no respecter of persons. It's worth a shot."

Reportedly, Gellar, Hannigan, and Trachtenberg said that they are considering converting from Judaism to Roman Catholicism and appearing topless or even completely nude, "if God will give us hooters."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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