Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Monday, 20 May 2013

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Shill, Penney, & Rubin Talent had explored every possible avenue to help put their latest child actress into the celebrity spotlight; but veteran actress Angelia Jolie finally presented them with something they hadn't even considered.

"Amongst ourselves, we're calling it the Dabble-D," said Arthur Shill, agent to the would-be stars. "Who ever thought that removing a woman's breasts could catapult her to newfound fame? The morning after we had Alice go under the knife she emerged from surgery with three motion picture offers and a sitcom. Well, to be fair, the sitcom is on TBS, but it's still a sitcom."

Shill is speaking about nine-year-old Alice Bannerman, star of 2011's vastly overlooked "Beatrice & Holly Go To Middle School." In it, Ms. Bannerman played 'Holly,' already second fiddle behind Clover Renquist's 'Beatrice,' who went on to garner her first Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress.

"I told Alice it was already an uphill battle with that middle school picture," Shill explains. "When it was in production, she was only six-years-old, but she was playing a twelve-year-old. Unfortunately, Alice didn't have the range or the gravitas to pull it off convincingly, but - and this is the big 'but' - could that little sh#t Clover Renquist have gone on to an Academy Award nomination without having such a plain Jane to play against? If you ask me, then I'll tell you 'no.' So far as I'm concerned, Alice and Clover should've shared that nomination, but it is what it is."

Bannerman's parents were understandably distraught, but they welcomed Shill's suggestion for the double mastectomy with open arms.

"We told him 'yes, yes, yes!'" said Ophelia Bannerman-Schultz-Howard, Alice's mother. "Who wouldn't sacrifice their breasts to be as popular as Angelina Jolie? Aren't all the girls doing it these days?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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