Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Thursday, 2 May 2013

HOLLYWOOD, CA - "What does a girl have to do to get noticed in this town?!" Those are the words of wisdom accompanying Amanda Bynes' recently ghostwritten tweet of a photograph exposing her pleasantly voluptuous milky white breasts to the greater society-at-large.

The actress turned celebrity turned exhibitionist has made headlines as of late for her scathingly bizarre behavior. The increasingly macabre conduct has included everything from retiring from acting at the ripe young age of 27 (just over one year ago) all the way up to shaving only half of her head bald in a cry for attention from Great Clips, for which she had hopes to be the lead spokeswoman.

"Great Clips has a reputation to preserve," stated Frances Weathermaker, senior marketing analyst for the popular chain of discount hair fashion. "I understand Ms. Bynes wants to insert herself image into our brand name, but, at present, we're not interested in partnering our identity with that of anyone who appeared theatrically in SHE'S THE MAN."

Hungry for yet another body of fresh young skin to exploit, tabloids embraced Bynes' rapid descent in vapidity when she tried to appear as sexual concubine to fledgling American President Barack Obama back in 2007; the only problem was that then Senator Obama had never heard of the young woman. Still, she insisted they had traded email addresses, claiming the popular Illinois politician had in fact mistaken her for Scarlett Johansson. The "actress" then retired from the limelight, seeking out the peace and quiet of California's Amish community, only to emerge expressing the urgent need to use a hair dryer and curlers.

In 2009, Bynes again made headlines by alleging on Facebook to have been abducted by space aliens seeking to install her to the exalted position of 'Supreme Goddess of Pluto,' a claim the people of former ice planet vehemently reject.

"The Highminds of Pluto have neither now nor ever sought the counsel of the Maiden Bynes," Frento Malputretti, Galactic Lord of the iceworld assures. "Besides, the Highminds have always nurtured more of a 'Kirsten Dunst' kind of infatuation."

Despite the appearance of her nipples and areolas on the World Wide Web, Bynes insists she's no 'one hit wonder.'

"I'm currently prepping flash video of my ass and labia for distribution next week," she promises. "So you ain't seen the last of me yet!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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